i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
