it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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