You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
