It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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