i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
