I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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