Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
