I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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