FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
