You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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