I wish I could punch you in the face.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
