I'm lost and stupid without you.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
