I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
