It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
