im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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