i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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