Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize