the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
