dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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