I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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