I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
