dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
