all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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