No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
