it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
