A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
