fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
