She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
