so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
