So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
