Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
