R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
