Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
