Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
