phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
