Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
