If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
