i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
