i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
