why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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