Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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