i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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