I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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