Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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