you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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