hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
