oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Houston, we have a squirter
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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