Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize