peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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