I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
