im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
