Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
