It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
