dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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