Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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