I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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